


Not Actually Star Wars

by MrLesleyChoyce



Series: Written Before Researched [5]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, How Do I Tag, Star Wars References, sand, sandphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:41:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27334348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrLesleyChoyce/pseuds/MrLesleyChoyce
Summary: Luke must kill his father for his cause, but is his cause really the right one?
Series: Written Before Researched [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1475639





	Not Actually Star Wars

“I don’t like sand.” Luke states, panting heavily with his lightsaber grasped within his sweaty palms. His father, Darth Vader in a similar state, standing only a few feet away.

“It’s coarse,” He tightens his grip on the handle.

“It’s rough,” He gets into a battle stance.

“And irritating,” He narrows his eyes, ready to strike.

“And it gets EVERYWHERE!” Luke lunges at Darth Vader with malicious intent, going in for the kill. His father dodges, much to Luke’s disappointment. An epic battle ensues.

“I am the sand guardian,” Darth Vader announces, nearly striking Luke. “guardian of the sand!”

A Stormtrooper that neither of the two had noticed prior steps forward, “Poseidon quivers before him!” they say before jumping out of the way of two rapidly swinging lightsabers, a smart move if one does not wish to become headless.

“F*ck off!” Luke and his father yell in unison at the trooper, momentarily stalling their fight to do so. The stormtrooper rushing away before they can get seriously injured or worse for interrupting.

The war raged on for several hours, Darth Vader vs Luke Skywalker. Sand vs no sand. The winner would determine the fate of the universe and all who inhabit it. Then, Luke trips on air and falls backwards, dropping his weapon in his stumble. Darth Vader takes the opportunity to kick it out of reach before Luke has a chance to retrieve it. Darth Vader looms over his son, intimidating the sad little defenseless man before lifting his own lightsaber, intending to plunge it into the heart of his sandphobic son, until…

Yoda, riding on the back of Chewbaca for some reason or another run onto the scene from out of nowhere. Princess Leia emerges close behind, wearing pants because skirts aren’t appropriate battle attire.

“NO!” Leia tackles Darth Vader to the ground, no mercy, “Luke, my love, run for your life, I’ll hold him off.”

Luke’s face scrunches up in a mix between confusion and disgust, “Ew, no. What is this, Alabama? Aren’t we siblings or something? Thanks for the save or whatever, but you need some help.”

“*Chewbaca noises,*” Chewbaca agrees while Yoda starts singing the song ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ by Lynyrd Skynyrd backwards. The two leave, along with Luke to go do guy stuff together.

Darth Vader is left having to awkwardly console a crying Leia because the love of her life just rejected her with ‘ew’ and she had no idea what All that stuff about Alabama even meant.

Later, in a different place, Luke, together with his brand-new best friends were conspiring on a way to kill Darth Vader and rid the universe of filthy sand for good. They were standing around a table containing their attack plans and materials needed for the job.

At midnight, the unusual trio discreetly made their way over to Darth Vader’s house and broke in through the unlocked front door, not forgetting to wipe their shoes on the welcome mat. The time had come to kill Darth Vader and free the universe of sand. They snuck into his bedroom expecting him to be asleep, making it an easy and clean job, only to find that not only was he awake, but he was sitting on the edge of the bed, along with Leia. He was awkwardly patting her on the back while she drenched tissue after tissue in tears and snot, adding to the ever-growing pile on the floor next to her.

The five of them stated at each other for a solid minute before Luke broke the uncomfortable silence, “Uhhh… I’m just gonna go ahead and kill you now if that’s alright with you.”

“At this point, I welcome death with open arms. I’ve been trying to get her to stop crying for hours, this is hell.” Darth answered, motioning to the sobbing girl beside him, who was flooding the floor at an alarming rate.

“Well, ok then,” Luke said before pulling out a handheld pistol and firing a single shot right into his father’s awaiting heart which only made Leia sob harder, because not only did her love reject her, but now her probable father was dead with a bloody hole in his chest.

“?nug a teg uoy did erehw” Yoda inquired, not knowing Like even knew what a gun was.

“Now that the sand guardian is dead, there will be no more sand anywhere, ever again!” Luke proclaimed excitedly before holstering the gun, decidedly ignoring the question Yoda had asked.

Luke, Chewbaca, and an only slightly offended at being ignored Yoda began to cheer and make their way out when everything began to rumble. They didn’t know this, but the entire universe was built on the concept of sand. By killing the sand guardian and destroying all sand, they would destroy everything else along with it.

Just as suddenly as it began, the rumbling stopped. Before anyone could as much as utter a word though, they blipped away, along with the rest of the universe like it was never there to begin with.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, I didn't know who actually said the sand quote until this was finished.


End file.
